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Am I scaring myself?

So I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago. I had went out and bought a EPT test that had 2 in the packet and used one that night. I called my doctor the following morning to tell him my good news. he sent me for blood work that week to check my hormone levels and all looked well. Well, today, for some reason, I decided I would use the other test. I still see 2 lines, but the second line looks much lighter than it had 2 weeks ago. This might be a stupid question but should I be worried? I'm scheduled for an ultrasound Friday morning to confirm and date, but now I'm kind of scared!

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Hoping 3rd times a charm!!!

I'm pregnant. I'm assuming I'm about 6 weeks as of yesterday. Got blood work last week to confirm that the pregnancy was viable. Have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday. In the meantime, my doctor and my specialist felt I should be on a blood thinner. I'm taking Lovenox. And it sucks because I need to give myself and injection every morning=( but if this will keep this baby alive, then ill do it for however long they want. I'm scared and nervous and happy an sad and all mixed up over this. I want a baby, I am just so terrified of another loss. I'm hoping this time is different. This time, I have a healthy happy fat baby crying in my arms at the end. Please keep me in your thoughts. I could really use prayers or good wishes.

Here I am at about 5 weeks.

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Went camping this weekend with my hubby and some friends. It was beautiful! Loved it and want to go back soon.

cut for photos....Collapse )

Great times!!!

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Chopped it all off

An man does it feel good!

Before:


After:

I love it!!!

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Jul. 25th, 2012

I wish I was a better writer. I always want to write, blog, whatever. I'm just so bad with my words. It's so hard for me to put my thoughts on paper. I could never tell a story or a good joke. I just suck! But I am going to try. And maybe in time, I'll get better=)

The past couple months have been rough. June 23rd was Dominick's 1st birthday and July 21st was Benjamin's 3rd birthday. I have a few friends with children close to their ages. I always look at their kids and try to imagine what mine would look like. What milestones they would achieve...it still breaks my heart<3

So I've been thinking of stopping my birth control lately. It's an inner battle I face everyday. A part of me so desperately wants a baby here. In my arms. I want to be able to actually take care of my baby. Another part of me is soooo terrified. I couldn't handle losing another child. To be completely honest, I don't think I could even bear to be pregnant right now. I lost Dominick at 34 weeks. I was at the specialist on the Monday before and he was PERFECT! No signs of stress, growing and moving as he should. It scares the shit out of me that things can turn to crap so quickly! And there's no safe time. None of this "oh I made it to my 2nd trimester so I'm in the clear". No. For me, I'm terrified to the very end. Until that baby is crying in my arms. And who knows if it'll even stop there. Because of my past, I may be one of those crazy woman who put their child in a bubble. I hope not, but who knows? I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

On a better note, my relationship with my husband is the best it has been in years. We are slowly paying off our debt. We are finally down to about $4000. I'm outing a lot into that each month so I'm hoping to get it paid off by this time next year. Then we can focus on the other smaller debts and finally a savings!

I've lost about 25lbs since January and 60lbs since last June. I feel good but I have a long way to go still. I'm currently 177. Old like to be 135 by this time next year. I don't want to just lose the weight, I want to to e up and stay active. I want it to stay off for food. I want to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to do it=)

The other thing I need to work on is my people skills. I seem to get social anxiety. I hate being around groups of people. I get so nervous when I have to talk to people I don't really know. I'm always afraid that they are going to think I'm dumb or something. I just wish I didn't care so much about what people think of me. I thought that went away as you got older...seems to be he opposite
For me. Figures...

Well it's getting late and I'm getting tired. I'm going to watch some tv then head to bed.

Goodnight<3

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What a rough day Mother's day is for me. I feel so bad for everyone because it is kind of a lose-lose situation for them. If they say Happy Mother's Day...I get very sad. I miss my babies. How can it be happy when my babies aren't here with me? I don't get the home made gifts or cards or anything like that. I don't get to see there big smiles or feel there big hugs.

If they don't say Happy Mother's day...I'm extremely hurt and offended. How dare you not acknowledge that I am a mother! I have 2 children. 2 beautiful angel babies who live in heaven. They watch over there mommy and daddy every day. My husband and I created them the same as you. I carried them the same as you. I delivered them the same as you. So because my babies didn't have the chance to take a breathe on this earth, they don't count?

I never know how to handle it. I don't say anything to anyone. I just try to be nice. I miss my babies more than anything. They should be here with me. Instead, I feel them in my heart. I feel them with the wind. I feel them when I see certain things...and I just know that they are doing this for me. I love them and I love the things they do to let me know that they are here all around me. But I miss them. My Benjamin and Dominick<3 <3 They should be here with me.

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I love this picture of us=)

Just a quick post...gonna be a busy reading weekend. I plan on finishing the hunger games series by Monday. Tuesday, the new Sookie book comes out! So I'll be readin this whole week=)

Life is going ok. I just done something to try an make a change in my life. I can't say what it is now...well see how it goes first.

On another note, I've been thinking about babies a lot lately. I wanna have one. I really do! But a big part of me is so scared to be pregnant again. Also, I'm not where I want to be in life. I'm still smoking. I still have a lot of weight I want to lose, and I still have a shit load of debt to pay off. Maybe next year.

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Hmmm

I just figured out how to add a picture from my phone.

Saturday, Jay and I went to our friends wedding. It was absolutely beautiful! I drank while Jay was the designated driver. I had a lot of fun! It was nice to be around old but close friends, good food, good music, we danced and laughed<3 it was just perfect. Below is a pic of us that the DJ took:


After the wedding, Jay and I rented a hotel room. The bride and groom (and most people from the wedding) were staying there as well. We hung out at the hotel bar (where drinks were over $8 each!) Heres a picture from the hotel:


It really was nice to see these great friends of ours! They are both amazing people who were in shitty situations...then they found their way to each other! They are perfect together. In so happy for the 2 of them=).

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