saw the new Harry Potter movie...AMAZING! Can't wait for the last 2. Also watched Alice on Syfy...Loved it!!! I like the new modern twist to it. I like that Alice is not a damsel in distress, but a very smart, fiesty, headstrong, loving girl! And The mad Hadder...called Hadder, is a resistance fighter with a good heart, who does what he has to do to survive even if he doesn't want to. He he played by Andrew Lee Potts...amazing job reinventing the character! Not to mention he is HOT!!! I'm a sucker for British men=)

Life's ok...waiting to find out when the civil service test is. Freezing my ass off everyday now.

Just keeping myself busy with work and family.

Excited for Christmas and New Years=)

Bold the lines that apply to you

Appearance

I am shorter than 5'4.
I think I'm ugly sometimes.
I have many scars.
Tan easily.
Wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/I've had braces.
I wear/wore glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercings in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.

Family Home/Life

I've sworn at my parents.
I've run away from home.
I've been kicked out of the house.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I've had children.
I've lost a child.

School/Work

I'm in school.
I've fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do my homework.
I've missed a week or more of school.
I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I have a job.
I've had a job for at least 2 years.
I've stolen something from my job.

Embarrassment

I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I've snorted while laughing.
I've laughed so hard I've cried.
I've glued my hand to something.
I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.

Health

I was born with a disease/impairment.
I've gotten stitches.
I've broken a bone.
I've had my tonsils removed.
I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
I had a serious surgery.
I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

I've been on a plane.
I've been to the UK.
I've been to Spain.
I've been to France.
I've been to Russia.
I've been to Finland.
I've been to Asia.
I've been to Africa.

Experiences

I've seen a shooting star.
I've wished on a shooting star.
I've seen a meteor shower.
I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
I've played a prank on someone.
I've ridden in a taxi.
I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I've eaten Sushi.
I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

I'm single.
I'm in a relationship.
I'm engaged.
I'm married.
I'm currently in the middle of a divorce.
I've gone on a blind date.
I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I've gotten divorced.
I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
I've kept something from a past relationship.
I have an ex I don't think I'll ever get over.

Sexuality

I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
I've had a crush on a teacher.
I am a cuddler.
I've been kissed in the rain.
I've made out with my best friend.
I've made out with someone who I wasn't dating.
I've hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime

I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
I've snuck out of my house.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I've cheated while playing a game.
I've cheated on a test.
I've been suspended from school.
I've witnessed a crime.
I've been in a fist fight.
I've been arrested.
I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol

I regularly drink.
I've passed out from drinking.
I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
I can't swallow pills.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time, no problem.
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
I shut others out when I'm depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I'm anorexic or bulimic.
I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
I've hurt myself on purpose.
I'm addicted to self injury.
I've woken up crying.

Death & Suicide

I'm afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I've seen someone dying.
Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
I've planned my own suicide.
I've attempted suicide.
I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism

I own over 5 rap hip-hop CDs.
I own an iPod or MP3 player.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
I own something from Gap.
I own something from American Eagle.
I own something from Gucci.
I own something I got on e-Bay.
I own something from Levi's.
I buy more than half my clothes at Wal-Mart.

So my dog got hit by a car last night. He's a tiny toy yorkie. My cousin was taking him for a walk when Teddy (the dog) jumped right in front of the car. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but this dogs like to chase and bark after anything that has wheels. Last night was so hectic. This dog is my grandmothers baby. I don't know if SHE would survive without him. Well, he was rushed to the vet hospital and they said that he had broken his leg and hip, bruised his lungs, and had a pelvic fracture. the decision of what to do next was the hardest. Could we help him to the point where he could live a painfree happy life? Or would he spend the rest of his life in pain....Turns out, this is really common and they have a relatively easy surgery that should fix him right up. Thank God! He went into surgery this afternoon and just got out about mons ago. He is doing great. According to the vet, he should be home tomorrow. They just want to make sure he is ok. They say he will be in a cast, but he should heal within 3-5 weeks. My Nan is so happy. I think she was up all last night praying for him.

What else....work sucks! Still waiting to find out when the civil service test will be. I was tlaking more to my cousin who is a cop and she said that they test is all common sense. She said that the hard part will be the academy. She said that they treat you like dirt when you are there....like...if they feel you are over weight, they will pick on you if they see you eating anything that is not healthy or if you are eating too much. When you do well...they yell. When you fail...they yell. So I wasn't too sure if thats for me. I'm not too sure if I would be able to hold back telling these people to go fuck themselves. But then i was looking around my cousins house. I was looking at everything that she can buy or do for her son. All things that I would not be able to do for Benjamin if he were here right now. I think I can deal with 6 months of that to better my living situation for all my future children. I do plan on having at least 2 more. We'll see how things are after that. Anyway, from talking to my cousin, I found out all the perks that come with being a cop. She has AMAZING medical and does not pay for a penny of it! I have good medical right now, but I pay $75 a week for me and Jay. And my current job is switching to shitty insurance that comes into affect January 1st 2010. You would start of with 20 vacation days 5 personal and 15 sick days...that 40 days in a year. You can save them up for however long you want. She started out making about $30,000 a year which is not much. But after only 3 years, shes making almost &90,000! On top of all that. You can retire after only 20 years! Amd I would be able to get my own house! Buy a car that doesn't alwasy break down...be able to get my kids what they want and what they need! Thats my motivation! I'm gonna do it! Just gotta train myself in the physical aspect.

( A little spooky..and little long! )I also went to see a specialist on Monday. I'm really glad I did. Again, no answers really...but a better explanation of things. He had studied the medical records (which included Ben's autopsy report). I had faxed them over about 2 weeks earlier. He said to me that it is 100% obvious that it was my placenta that caused Benjamin to pass...which we all knew...but what caused the placenta to stop working. He told me that from the autopsy report, he read that my placenta was a big hemorrage pretty much. Basically, a main blood vessel exploded, which caused the placenta to hemorrage, and killed the muscle. it said that 80% of the placenta was a hemrrage!

The doctor doesn't think that this happened later in my pregnancy. He thinks it happened from the very very beginning...during implantation. He explained it like this....Take 2 seeds. Plant one in perfect soil, and one in soil that has some clay in it. They will both grow around the same pace in the beginning, but eventually, the seed thats in clay like soil will eventually slow down with its growth because it is no longer getting what it needed to grow. He thinks that this would have happened regardless. It wasn't anything I did. He said from looking at Benjamin's pictures, he didn't think it was a chromosal defect or anything genetic. He basically thinks that it just happened and that was that. He also said that he thinks that because of the abnormality of the implantaion of the placenta, it caused me to have pre eclampsia. He thinks that if I went in to labor a week or 2 later, I would have had full blown pre-e. He doesn't think that I got that until right before I went into labor. But like I said, he thinks it was the implantation of the placenta that caused it. He also said that of all the incidents that cause fetal demise, growth restriction is the one that is most likely to be repetitive.

So now, I have a few more blood tests to get done, just to make sure it wasn't something genetic. He said the next time I am pregnant...not too much will change...I will just be doing more of it. Obviously, I will be going to the doctor's ALOT more. He said that I would see him (the specialist) every other week. The weeks that i am not with him, I will be going to my OBGYN. He said that I will have alot more ultrasounds done and that they will be looking for any signs of growth restriction. He said that i will have all the same tests I had with this past pregnancy plus a few more. I still need to take my folic acid, but next time, he said he also wants me to take a baby asprin every day (I had really high blood pressure when I was in labor). He also told me (which I already knew and am in the process of taking care of it) that I need to lose weight. I need to keep myself as healthy as possible. I started running about a month ago. I stopped for a few weeks because I  hurt my knee already...but am ready to start back up tomorrow. I joined weight watvhers to try and help. I would like to be pregnant again by this time next year. I am leaving it in God's hands though. Whenever it happens...it happens. I am not on hormonal birth control right now. Jay and I are using condoms. Almost always.

So thats my update...thats where I am right now.

I'm going to clean now because Jay and I are hanging out with friends later today.

Hope you are all doing well<3

Benjamin's dd was today...well technically yesterday. October 18th...so many emotions! I feel bad for anyone who had to be around me this week. I know most peopl were walking on eggshells! I got into a fight with my friend on Monday for no reason at all. It didn't get too bad though...we both realized pretty quickly that it wasnt worth it...just a little yelling back and forth, an uncomfortable silence, a few apologies, and a bunch of laughs afterwards. Its good to have friends who can handle my emotional roller coaster of a life. Jay and I have been short with eachother all week as well. But again, nothing came of it and we were snuggling and saying I love you by the end of the night.
I cant believe that almost 3 monthes have passed already since I gave birth to Benjamin. I still feel like I should be pregnant. I guess it takes alot longer for your mind to fully understand what happened...my body picked up pretty quickly.
In honor of Ben, Jay and I bought a few balloons,wrote a little message on one of them, and went to the beach and let them go at 6:45pm...the time he was born. It was emotional but nice. Mare, Ant, and Em came and released a balloon too.
Jays birthday is tomorrow. I didnt get him anything because we will be spending a few days in a b&b next week. Itll be so nice...I cant wait.
Oh one more thing before I go. I got my new phone bout a month ago. Since then, my old phone was off and in my side tabe drawer...well at a little after 11 tonight I heard a familiar ringing...it was coming from the drawer. I look in shocked that the cell was on bc I knew it was off. So I look at it to stop the ringing and what do i see??? An 'event' saying 'Ben's here!!!' I think that was his way of saying hi...it made me very happy.

Jay and I finally decided what we are going to be...now we just need to get the costumes. I am going to be little red riding hood and he's going to be the wolf dressed like grandma...lol. You know what I noticed though...all adult women Halloween costimes are so...revealing! Lol..even the costume I saw...the skirt is sooo short! I think I am going to wear a pair of tight underneath!

Anyway, I just got back from a run with the hubby! I am really out of shape because it KILLED me...but I feel great now! I hoipe I can keep it up! Oh, and today is officially 1 week without a cig! I am very proud of myself right now=)

Bad news...I might be quitting my job?? I am definately updating my resume and looking this weekend! I am bout to head out again now, but I will explain more  tomorrow. I don't feel like writing about it right now anyway...I just cooled off.

Good night everyone!

I can't believe it's October already! This year has really flown by! I usually LOVE this time of the year, and I am going to try my best to enjoy it now! Jay and I are going apple/pumpkin picking this afternoon with our friends Mare, Ant, and there daughter Emmie. We are going to make candy apples and carve the pumpkins. I know its a little early but who cares!

I have alot going on this month.
Oct. 1st- My friend Ant's bday...stopped by for a little.
Oct.3rd- Pumpkin and apple picking=)
Oct.4th- Memorial mass for Benjamin<3
Oct. 5th- My sister in law's bday...we will have to go see her.
Oct 17th- My best friend Lauren, and Jays good friend Georges bday. We are going to Georges party that day...costume party and Jay and I are STILL clueless...any ideas?
Oct.18th- My original dd...I will be doing something to honor Ben...not too sure what though.
Oct.19th- Jays bday and I have a doctors appointment with the specialist...hopefully all goes well...probably go out to eat with Jay.
Oct.26th- Lauren's dd...can't wait=)
Oct.28th-Oct.29th- Jay and I are staying at a B&B for our birthdays=)
Oct.29th- My sister's bday...gotta call her.
Oct.30th- My birthday...i'm starting to get old...25 this year!
Oct.31st- Halloween! Going trick-or-treating with  Mare, Ant, and Emmie!

And between all of this, I need to squeeze in a few halloween attractions! I love those things...even as corny as most of them are. I am on the hunt for a truely scary haunted house/hayride/maze/something. I am willing to travel out of state( as long as its within reasonable distance...like I can get there and back in a days trip) Anyone have any suggestions???

I got a new phone! It's really cool. It's the LG Envy Touch. I love it! It has got the most amzing camera I have ever seen on a cell phone. The touch screen is pretty cool too. The only thing that sucks so far is I am too careful with it because its too pretty to scratch...lol.  Oh, and the battery seems to only last about 48 hours...my other phone last about 4 days when I first got it...maybe I just use this one more??

I started weight watchers last week, well tomorrow will be day 7. I am going to a meeting pretty early tomorrow morning. I don't think I did too well though. We'll see. I also quit smoking again. I started smoking hard core after everything happened with Benjamin. My nerves were shot and I thought I needed it. Well...I've been smoking a pack a day since and I don't want that for me! I know how hard it is to quit and even how hard it was when I had no choice (pregnancy). Plus...I am trying to be as healthy as possible. I mean, it's a better way to live, and I just don't want to possibly contribute to any further issues I may have in the future. 

There has been an internal battle in my head for a while now. I really want to be pregnant again! I am not too sure if this is because I should technically still be pregnant or if I am really ready...I don't want to do it again until I know I am 100% ready. Plus, I still have to see the specialist...and like I said above...I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle because I don't want to add to the problem. I just can't get the thought out of my head.

The weather has been cooling down alot. It has been in the high 30's/low 40's at night and between the 60's and 70's during the day...I love this weather! I just hate what it turns into...I  hate the cold and I hate the winter! The only good thing is the holidays! Oh...and I need to go shopping for winter clothes...I don't have much that still fits...all my clothes are either way too big or way too small. I saw a picture of me about 3 years ago...I was so skinny...I wish I was there again. I am going to try my hardest!                                                                              

**Forgot to mention that my mom and my sister Jen randomly decided to move to Virginia...for 5 monthes?? I guess some thing never change...

I am doing ok today. Watched the season premier of Grey's Anatomy and I have to say that I am a little disappointed! I thought it would have been a major tearjerker!! Not to say that I didn't cry...just not like the big baby I was prepared for! RIP George...we will miss you=)

I just started reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown. Its takes place after "The DaVinci Code". He's a pretty good writer. I am more interested in the symbology used in all of his books.

Jays working late tonight than i think we are both going to meet some friends at the bar...after the week I had, I need a few drinks!

Hope you are all doing well

So I booked a little getaway for Jay and I in October. I think we are going to need it. Benjamin's edd was 10/18...Jay's birthday is 10/19 and my bday is 10/30. It'll be good to get away from it all for a few days. We are staying at a bed and breakfast about an hour from here. Got a nice room with a fireplace and a whirlpool spa tub for 2. Hopefully that'll take my mind off things.

Jays ex girlfriend's brother died the other day. He apparently died of sleep apnia(sp?). Its sad to see people go so young. I did not go to the wake/funeral. His ex gf hates me...she still loves Jay and is angry that I'm married to him and she's not. I thought it would be rude for me to go. Jay has been talking to her alot. It kind of bothers me. She is the only girl who makes me have bad thoughts..like Jay cheating on me. Jay was with her for 7 years. They were on again off again through out there whole relationship. Everytime he was with another girl...he left them to go back to her . In the very beginning of our relationship I thought he was going to leave me too to go back...but he didn't. Anyway...he hasn't talked to her in years because they had a really bad outting. Now, they have been talking everyday. I know it's because her brother died...and I am trying to be understanding of that...but those bad thoughts keep coming to mind. I mentioned something to him today. I was sitting on the bed and he got a txt message. I didn't look at it...just looked at the number and told Jay that it was someone I didn't know. He looked and said...oh...it's just Dana. So I all I said to him was " I hope you 2 don't become best friends now because I couldnt handle it" He flipped out on me. I don't think he's cheating...I like to think that what we have means more to him than that...I was just being honest....so now we are kind of not talking. Sometimes I really hate life.

Oh onto another subjuct....I decided that I am going to take the civil service test. I am going to try and become a cop. I think I could do it if I really tried. I really am not a huge fan of the job...but my cousin is soo young and has amazing benefits and makes amazing money...thats the only reason why I am doing it. She is 1 year older than me and makes about $60,000/year more than me and has a brand new house, a new car, can afford a REALLY nice wedding, gets her son everything and anything he could ever want/need...so I am kind of jealous=) I love her though. It just made me think about my life.

I made an appointment to see a specialist. I am determined to find out whatever I can about what happened to my baby Ben. He deserves it. I deserve it. I am so afraid of it happening again. I don't think I could handle it a second time. I couldn't get an appointment until October 19th...not too sure what they will do....we'll see.

Well, hope you are all doing well. I am going to try and talk to my husband. He really thinks taht I was being one of those crazy jealous girls...and maybe I was...but I was only being honest with him about my feelings...

<3

I feel a bit  better this morning. I've been really depressed lately. I think its all starting to really hit me. I mean...I knew what had happened, but I think I made myself ok....without fully going through the emotions I should experiance. I would have been about 36 weeks tomorrow I think...somewhere around there. Its crazy! I think Jay and I are going to try and attend a meeting they have for families who have experianced the same loss as me. Maybe it will help.

I also have a lot of plans for myself...all for bettering myself for next time. Maybe if I live a healthier lifestyle...things would turn out better. 

I have just about saved up enough money for my tattoo. It's in honor of Benjamin. I can't wait. Once I get it, I will post a picture up here....its going to be beautiful<3

My cousin asked me to be her maid of honor. Shes getting married November 5 2010. We've already booked the church, reception area, and bought her dress. We're on to a good start. Now I have to start thinking of good ideas for a bachelorette party. 

Jay and I are having communication problems right now. I think we are both handling this differently. He wants to hold eachother all the time...and I just always want to be by myself. I know I have been neglecting him, I just hope he understands.

Well, more of my cousins from Scotland came to visit. Ellen and Harry came in on 9/7 and they are going home 9/21. I think I am going to try and save to go see them next year...that would be amazing.

Hope you are all doing well and sorry to be such a stranger=)  

the world right now.
 
Nothing's fair...nothing makes any sense.

So my son was born sleeping about 2 and a half weeks ago...we had to meet with the funeral home, plan the creamation, wait for the urn to come in and set everything up with the church for his memorial mass. Well, the urn FINALLY came in on Thurs. I called St. Ann's yesterday to set the date for the mass. They got back to me this morning. Benjamin's memorial will be help Saturday morning at 9:15am. I have to get a dress for me, a shirt for Jay and some flowers for the occassion. Nothing crazy...just something small. My friends and family have been really helpful and supportive through out this whole situation. I am not sure if I would have been able to go through this myself.

I spoke with my OBGYN yesterday. Apparently, Benjamin's placenta just stopped working. That is normally caused by pre-e or the mother taking drugs during the pregnancy. I did not have pre-e and I certainly did not use any kind of drugs before, during, or even after my pregnancy!! My docto knows that and told me that sometimes, these things just happen. I don't think I will have an answer as to what happened to my son. All the test results are in except for the chromasomal testing....everything came back normal. I don't think Ben will have any chromosomal abnormalities either. I think it just happened...and thats that. My OB asked me what my plans were for the future. I told him honestly, I want to have more children someday...not too sure when...but I don't think I could handle this happening to me again! He told me that because there isn't a reason to why this happened, he couldn't give me an actual percentage...but, I have a higher chance of this happening again than a woman who has never had any complications with pregnancy, and because I am so young and had complications, that also puts me at higher risk. I will be watched like a hawk next time around...battery on the lap top I am is dying...I will finish this later. I have a lot of last minute things to take care of.

I can't believe a week has passed already!! All the days seemed mushed together into one. I am feeling ok today.  I meant to do a quick update the other day but ended up not doing anything. I have been making myself get out of the house. I noticed the days that I stay home are my worse days. I just sit and cry all day.  So the other day, I went to MIL's house. Shes a nice woman...but is really bad with her words...or she speaks before she thinks....I dunno. She said something that really hurt me. We were talking about Benjamin and his memorial and what not...she ended up saying something along the lines of...Don't worry, now you and Jay will be able to pay your debt off, save money, and then you can work on a Benjamin 2...Are you fucking kidding me??? Benjamin is a person...he counted! There will NEVER be another Benjamin! He will NEVER be replaced!!! And she's his grandmother!! It pisses me off that people think that way. Like...just because he died before he was born that means he didn't count. I am a mother. Jay is a father. Our first born son passed away...not never existed!! Ugh!!!!

My cousin and his wife sent me something in the mail. It is absolutely beautiful! Its a silver chain neclace that has 2 charms on it. The first chain is a heart that says "Forever in my heart" on the front of it. The second charm is a smaller heart that sits on top of the first charm. On the front it says Benjamin, on the back of that charm, it has his initials BPG. It is perfect. I put it on when I first opened it. I am really close with my cousin. Even though he moved to Florida a few years ago. He was always like an older brother to me. And his wife is so sweet. She wrote a short letter to me basically saying Words can never describe how sorry we are about your loss. You will always be Benjamin's mommy. Benjamin will always be your son. I think she must have known that people would say stupid shit.

Benjamin was taken to the crematory (sp?) today. Whats weird is that we found out that it is only right around the corner from us. Our lockets should be in by Friday. The urn probably wont be in until early next week. Once thats in, we can actually choose a date for his memorial. I hope it turns out nice. He deserves the best!

I'm going to go watch the Met game with Jay. They have sucked all season until the last few games. Maybe Benjamin would know that it would make Daddy happy.

This is the urn we decided on. Its called the "Angel of Protection". I thought it was perfect. It will say "Benjamin Pasquale Grillo July 21st, 2009"

Today was not as hard as I thought it would be...well it was hard, but I was stronger than I thought. I cried a couple times. But I stayed strong for my baby.

My family is great. They are all taking care of the cost. The woman from the funeral home isn't charging us anything.  I thank God for these wonderful people in our life.

Jay is having a hard day today. I am going to lay with him. I will post again tomorrow probably.

Have a good night.

I love you Ben<333

but I feel this is the only place where I  can really express how I feel. Around my family and friends, I need to be strong. I've cried around them all...but I can't seem to find the words for them to really understand how I feel. It also seems easier for me to tell them that I am as ok as can expected. So my journal right now if my place to let it all out. Every thought, every tear, every question...

It is killing me right now not knowing what caused the death of my son. Everyone keeps telling me that it was not my fault...but how do you know? Obviously, it was not intentional...but still. I keep thinking that maybe if I ate a little heathier...maybe if I exercised...maybe if I didn't always think that I was being a crazy nervous first time mother. Maybe something would have been different. It's eating me up inside that just a few weeks ago I just had a sense that something was not right. I was not feeling him move around as much..I was losing some weight...and just had a bad feeling. At my 24 week appointment I had asked my doctor about movement. I told him that Benjamin seems to move around alot one day...then not move at all another. He told me that it was still kind of early. It was good that I felt him move...but too early for there to be some sort of pattern. The weight loss seemed kind of odd to me too. This whole pregnancy I have gained so much weight! At the same 24 week appointment, my doctor had made a comment about me putting on another 10 lbs in only a month! I did alot of researching online and spoke with friends who had already been through a pregnancy...I came to the conclusion that I was fine and that I was only worrying myself bc I was a first time mom. I thought that the weightloss was due to the growing and positioning of Ben. I thought that maybe he was getting bigger and laying in such a way that he was pressing on my stomach. It kills me knowing that instead of listening to my feelings, I pushed it aside as being normal. Maybe it was normal...but a mother's intuition should never be second guessed...I hate myself right now for this. Maybe something could have been done...maybe not... the autopsy report will be in in about a month

Then I started thinking about all my past appointments I had. My Ob sends all of his pregnant patients to a specialists. They are the ones that do all of the level 2 us. I had my first level 2 done around 13 weeks. the doctor there told me that he thought he saw a cyst on Ben's umbilical cord. He told me that these things happen alot early on and seem to just go away by 20 weeks. He told me not to worry. So I didn't. I had my 20 week us done at the same place but with a different doctor. Ben was right on track with measurements and she did not see the cyst on the umbilical cord. She told me that she wanted me to come back at 24 weeks so she could check again for the cyst and also so she could get better pictures of his heart. Again, i was told not to worry. Ben was just not wanting to move in the posistion they needed to see all the parts of his heart. So I went back and saw the same doctor at 24 weeks. She got the pictures of his heart that they needed. She assured me that everything looked fine. Now, she wanted me to come back in 6 weeks just so she could check on Ben's growth. He was 1 week and a half behind. He was 24 weeks but measuring at 22 and a half. At 24 weeks he was 1lb 3oz. I was worried...even though she told me not to be. July 27th would have been my 28 week appointment with my OB and August 5th was my appointment with the specialist. Something was probably wrong aroung 24 weeks. When Ben was born he was only 2 oz heavier then what he was 3 weeks earlier. Is that normal? I was reading stuff about how big your baby is about in the 27th week. Ben was born at 1lb 5oz and 12 in long. Apparently, babies this far along are about 2 lbs and 14 and a half inches long.

When Ben was born, the doctor told me that it was my decision, but he thought that I should have some genetic testing done on me and Ben. He said that from looking at him, his first thought would be that he had some type of chromosomal abnormality. I didn't see it. He looked perfect to me. He was tiny...so tiny...but perfect. His eyes, nose, mouth, ears, hands, feet...everything perfect but tiny. The only thing that I saw that looked...different was the color of his skin and the fact that his skin around his head was, I dunno, loose... One of the doctors explained that this could be caused by either a chromosomal thing or if Ben had passed in my womb earlier than the day he was born. Apparently, when a baby dies in the womb, the body starts to swell with fluids. The womans body will go into natural labor normally up to 2 weeks after the baby has passed. Alot of his skin coloring looked to be red. His hands, his feet, his mouth, and his nose were all normal color. They looked like mine.

The hospital gave me a box of all of Benjamins things. I didn't know if I would be able to look inside the box, but it turns out that I had to! It's hard to see, but it makes me feel closer to him. Inside the box, they put the measuring tape they used, his gown that they put him in, his hat, his blankets, pictures of him, a little ring, and his footprints. I decided that I am going to get a tattoo of his footprints with angel wings one the side of them. Not sure where I am going to get it...yet...I think I want his name and birthdate somewhere in there too.

I cried myself to sleep last night.This pain and emptiness I feel is overwhelming. Today, I am going to make myself take a shower...brush my teeth, get dressed and get out of the house. I know that sounds gross, but I havent been able to. I haven't want to. But I know that I need to. I can't let myself slip into a deppression.

Today, Jay and I are going to talk with the priest and with the lady from the funeral home. We are hopefully going to have everything taken care of and planned today. I hate thinking about these things, but it needs to be done. Benjamin deserves it.

Rest in peace my baby...I love you<3

I need to do this to help me heal. But I am going to make it as quick as possible....

( Cut for sensitivity )

I've been soo busy lately with work and moving.

Jay and I decided to move in with my grandmother. Her house is always so crowded, but we really need to work on saving money and getting our debt paid off. Jay has been out of work almost this entire year! And although he has put applications out there, who knows when he will be back to work again! And even though he has been doing alot of side jobs, we still can not afford to live in our apartment anymore=( It's really disappointing...almost feel like we failed=( But then I think about our little guy coming and I know that it will be best for him. And it would really help my Nana out too! Although she has told us multiple times that she will not accept money from us, we figure we can spend money on renovating the house. My nan would have such a nice house if people would actually take care of it! My Nans house is kind of like the family shelter...lol. I come from a very poor family...well half of them family at least. So people are coming and going in Nanas house all the time. Unforetunately, people have not respected her house and it is destroyed! There really isn't anyone who was capable at keeping up with the maintance of the house either. It's old and falling apart. I figured the least Jay and I can do would be to help fix it up! Jay and I are set up to leave our apartments by the end of this month.  We have been busy packing and deciding what will be put in storage and what will be sold/thrown out. Such a pain to do while pregnant!!!!

Anyway, work has been pretty busy for me. I was thinking the other day...if the doctor wants me to take my full 4 weeks before the baby is due, I only have about 9 weeks left! I keep reminding my boss of this. Still, no one has come in to train on my desk! My job is not extremely difficult, but it takes time to learn all my reports and what not. I don't know what they are thinking. I hope they are not expecting me to train someone for a week and have them have my job down pat! No one is really cross trained in my department either. There are 3 of us girls who work in the transportation department. I handle all the rail, my friend Mare handles all the barge/vessel end of it. Then theres this older woman...shes HORRIBLE! She has been here for almost 2 years and can't do shit! I don't know why they keep her around!

I had my gestational diabetes testing done last weekend. My doctor called me wednesday night around 9:30 to tell me I was good=) He is such a good doctor! I was so afraid of failing that test for some reason! I was very happy to find out that even though I eat a bowl of ice cream almost everyday, I was ok=) I have been nervous alot lately about this pregnancy. I don't really feel my little man moving around much anymore. I started feeling him around 18 weeks...he got stronger and more consistent around 21 weeks...and now at 27w2d I barely feel him move at all. Friends try to comfort me and tell me that boys tend to be lazier than girls, but I am still nervous. I was going to call my doctor, but I have my 28w appointment with him on Monday morning. Maybe I can wait until then. I did buy this pretty cool machine though! My friend took me to Babies"R"Us to register for my babyshower. They had this machine that was like a doppler....it was called a heart listener. They say once you are in your 3rd trimester, you could hear the babies heartbeat. I figured I was close enough. So I bought it...it was only $20!! I use it everyday and it really calms me down because I can hear the babies hb=) It's very soft, but sounds like it is very healthy!

I have also been a little nervous because of my weight loss this month. I haven't lost a ton of weight, a total of almost 10lbs though! I haven't changed the way I eat...I guess I am getting fuller quicker though. It only makes me nervous because I have gained weight every single month! Even as much as 10 lbs in a month! I just get scared that maybe my little guy isn't getting all the nutrients he needs=( I have an appoinment with the specialist on August 5th. My doctor makes all of h is pregnant patients see a specialist in the beginning. I had to keep going to her because thought they saw a cyst on the babies umbilical cord at my 1st us with them (at around 13 weeks). At my 20 week us, the baby seemed to be developing nicely. He measured right on target. At my 24 week us, the baby was measuring about a week and a half behind. He was 1lb 3oz. The doctor said she was not concerned but wanted me to come back in 6 weeks to check on the growth of the baby. I hope he is doing well. I can't imagine something going wrong! I don't know how I would handle it! I try not to think about it too much but its hard! I have so much love for this little one who I have not even met yet!

Oh, and I found out my babyshower is August 9th. And let me tell you for something that is supposed to be a surprise, I am constantly stressing out over it! Originally, my cousin (and one of my bf!) wanted to throw it. Which was great. My cousin is amazing and she does so much for me! My cousin is from my fathers side of the family and apparently, doesn't speak with my mom (my parents have been seperated for over 15 years I think...) My mom was complaining to my other bf M about how messed up it was of my cousin S to take control of things. (I am not extremely close with my mother but that can be a whole other post) Well M and my mom decided to call S and basically tell her that they are planning the party and if she wants to help she can...now S is upset and "doesn't want to step on anyones toes". My mom is still bitching about S and M is venting to me about the stress she is now involved in. Then there is my step mom who just told me that she is not coming bc its being held at my mothers house. Oh and my h usbands mom apparently doesn't want to talk to my mom so she is using Jay as the middle man...family drama! Why can't they all just suck it up and get along??? I'm not going to fully get into it now, but the other things that have been stressing me out lately are who will be the other 2 people in the room with me when I go into labor (other then Jay) and who will be the god mother. I almost feel obligated to have certain people there. There are 3 other people that I wouldn't mind to have in there with me ( which are also the 3 people I am debating on having as the god mother) Then, there are other people like my mom and step mom who both are just insisting that they be in the room with me. I feel like I can't make a decision anymore! Its really annoying. i wish I wasn't so nice or thoughtful of others! I don't want to upset anyone...I don't know what I am going to do! I kind of now only want me and Jay to be there...not have a babyshower...and just move away so I don't have to deal w/ith all this crap!

Anyway, I need to get my butt up and ready for work. I hope you all are doing well!!
<3